Diary entry January 2003

I've always been different, an outsider looking in. Always the ever so slightly awkward one. Looking back as far as elementary and highschool, I was either known as the loner or the freaky one. I think this is what has made me try harder than most others to be accepted and to fit in. My attempts haven't always worked. Even now with my group of friends, I still feel a little out-of-step.

I try to surround my life with friends. It's an attempt to fill a void and emptiness that I have felt as far as I can remember. I never felt love in the conventional way with family. My parents loved me, but it was a very Asian display of love, which was not to display love through words or overt acts of affection. It was done through acts such as providing food and clothes, an education.

I am turning 30 at the end of this year. It will be my first year anniversary that I was diagnosed with HIV. Even writing that, causes a wave of sadness and fear through me. I am close to crying, but like usual I brace myself and hold the tears back. I feel alone in this moment, knowing that there is no one I can truly talk to about this. My shame and hate for myself is too great that I would rather bear it alone, than to have others see the shame or feel pity.

I know there are groups and organisations, and I know there are friends whom I can turn to, but I don't think I am ready yet. I don't think they are ready yet.

I have been analyzing my life over this past year, trying to determine why it was me who got HIV. With all the information and media coverage, you would think I would have known better. But, then I stop myself and wonder if I was searching for it. Was I looking for it, like someone looks for love and acceptance? Or was it that I believed having unprotected sex was a way of proving or showing love to someone, even if he was a stranger? Was I doing it because I thought less of myself or thought of myself unworthy?

I have to ask this question despite its' difficulty. I need to know.

My life hasn't stopped, but I know I have lost my direction. I lost it a long time ago, when I began to delude myself with the belief that sex was a substitute for love. The problem is I have done this for so long now, that I find it hard to break. I can't blame anyone for it. They were all my choices in the end.

The question now is how do I find love for myself? After all this, is it possible? Recently, I was at Nomi's house, with the JLC crew (Joy Luck Club...I will tell you about them in another post). They were sitting around discussing love and boyfriends. Polyanna asked me which I preferred - "being single or in a relationship?" It was a hard question to answer, not because I had never asked it of myself, but because I wasn't sure if someone could or would want to love me. I think that has always been the underlying question, even before the HIV.

Most of these revelations are new to me, as I continue prodding through my mental observations. I can't say that I am impressed with my behaviour thus far.

I saw my doctor today and he told me that my viral load had increased to over 7000 cml. My last reading was less than 60 cml. A dramatic increase which he told me not to worry about, because he believed it would go back down based on my previous tests. I can only hope. I have been far more tired this past winter. I was sick in December for one month and got better, took the test and now am sick again. I have to take care of myself. Like many of my other choices in life, my use of drugs has been a bad one, and I am sure it hasn't made me any better.

But, it's hard. It's damned fucking hard, going through all of this, without blotting it out for just a moment in time.

This is one of the lowest I have felt in a longtime. Usually in the up and in a good mood, I find that days like this make me wonder if I fake the "cheeriness" so that I can fit in with everyone else. This way, no one knows anything is wrong. This way, no one will ask or care that I have HIV.

The only thing is, is that I wish they would.

Diary Entry November 03, 1992 11:52pm

Every gesture
Every movement
A moments hesitation or an indecision.

Like building blocks or dominoes, does each choice we make inevitably affect our lives and others. Whether good or bad, every choice or indecision leaves a mark, and sets in motion a cascade of events that will lead to an eventual end.

In a mathematical equation, there are numerous avenues to take, but only one that is right. Is it the same with our lives? Are we governed by a string of equations and theories that we play out to an eventual end? That end, being the correct one for our destiny? Are our lives, a series of events, each planned and pre-ordained? Are our choices, really choices for that matter? What if everything we do is just a stage in the equation, leading us to our true destiny?

Or, are our lives a series of many choices each leading to a different outcome, where we can take numerous avenues, not any one necessarily being the right one.

Ultimately, do we have control over our lives? Or is there some higher order here that drives us? Are all these questions one and the same?